Dear Wife,
... I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! ——
Dear Ex-Husband,
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed, Your Ex-Wife,
Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem
Saturday, September 24, 2011
The difference between Girls and Grown Women
Girls want to control the man in their life. Grown Women know that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
Girls check you for not calling them. Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls are afraid to be alone. Grown women revel in it using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls ignore the good guys. Grown women ignore the bad guys.
Girls make you come home. Grown women make you want to come home.
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans. Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man. Grown women know that they are pretty and/ or good enough for any man.
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends). Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.
Girls think a guy crying is weak. Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so. Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it. Grown women know that was just one man.
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'. Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.
Girls will read this and get an attitude. Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.
Girls check you for not calling them. Grown women are too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls are afraid to be alone. Grown women revel in it using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls ignore the good guys. Grown women ignore the bad guys.
Girls make you come home. Grown women make you want to come home.
Girls leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans. Grown women make their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man. Grown women know that they are pretty and/ or good enough for any man.
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends). Grown women realize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.
Girls think a guy crying is weak. Grown women offer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so. Grown women 'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it. Grown women know that was just one man.
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'. Grown women know that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness.
Girls will read this and get an attitude. Grown women will read this and pass it on to other Grown women and their male friends.
This should be posted in every school or ...kid's bedroom.
Charles Sykes is the author of six books, including Dumbing Down Our Kids: Why American Children Feel Good about Themselves, But Can't Read, Write, or Add and the best-selling, A Nation of Victims: The Decline of the American Character.
He compiled this list. I think it's good:
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. *This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!
He compiled this list. I think it's good:
Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
Rule 2: The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: They called it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room..
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. *This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. *Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Rule 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you're out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That's what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for "expressing yourself" with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12.) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Rule 14: Enjoy this while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now. You're welcome.
If you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier!And for life and everything else you have... Thank God!!
Friday, September 23, 2011
How to Cut Unemployment in 3 easy steps
If you want to cut unemployment in HALF, do these THREE THINGS.
Do them for 10 years.
1. The whole of the USA becomes a right to work country. NO UNIONS at all. IF you want to join you can, but free will only. No more coercion. Start by eliminating all of them.
2. All employees become independent contractors. No Benefits. No Deductions. No nothing. If you are paid $20 per hour you get $20 per hour. No exception. Payroll becomes simple. No FICA. No Medicare. Nothing. Puts money in peoples pockets at once.
3. All licensing, all certification (teachers), all permitting to do any kind of business is eliminated at once except for the most essential. Drs. Dentists and Pharmacists. Let anyone hang out a shingle and allow the market to choose the winners.
Stop all rent seeking.
Do them for 10 years.
1. The whole of the USA becomes a right to work country. NO UNIONS at all. IF you want to join you can, but free will only. No more coercion. Start by eliminating all of them.
2. All employees become independent contractors. No Benefits. No Deductions. No nothing. If you are paid $20 per hour you get $20 per hour. No exception. Payroll becomes simple. No FICA. No Medicare. Nothing. Puts money in peoples pockets at once.
3. All licensing, all certification (teachers), all permitting to do any kind of business is eliminated at once except for the most essential. Drs. Dentists and Pharmacists. Let anyone hang out a shingle and allow the market to choose the winners.
Stop all rent seeking.
The Purina Diet
I was at Superstore buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (here's your sign) I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your trouser pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. and Superstore won't let me shop there anymore.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
An Old Friend Dies
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: - Knowing when to come in out of the rain; - Why the early bird gets the worm; ... - Life isn't always fair; - And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies, don't spend more than you can earn and adults, not children, are in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault. Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, his daughter Responsibility, and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, do nothing.
The war on the young is led “by cadres of elderly men, content to manage decline” and exacerbated by younger generations, who don’t seem to know what’s going on or understand the gravity of the financial situation that will hit them in the future. Luke Johnson, writing in the FT, describes the Itali...
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