The Lonely Man..Most men are profoundly lonely..Yesterday I had lunch with three guys I've known for years

by Merrill Thompson

Dr. Charles B.Brown

The Lonely Man Most men are profoundly lonely.Yesterday I had lunch with three guys I've known for years. We spent ninety minutes together. We talked about business, God, current news, and the TV program, "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" We laughed, exchanged thoughts and ideas. But we didn't know each other any better after lunch than before.Last night I went with a group of guys to an NBA game. We talked basketball, exercise, golf, and business. We spent about five hours together. But we didn't know each other any better alter the game than before. "Should every lunch or outing be a therapy session?" No.But one reason we are profoundly lonely is that we are s-l-o-w to open up.Actually, most of us never do. We talk about issues, ideas, and interests,yet seldom disclose our feelings, needs, hurts, fears, hopes, dreams,struggles, sins, or disappointments.

Lonely men reveal what they think and conceal who they are. Lonely men live on life's side roads. They smile, laugh, work, play, make deals, and hangout with their buddies. But nobody gets on the inside. Therefore, lonely men settle for surface talk, surface relationships, and a surface existence.Lonely men usually engage life through competition. Everything is a game."What's wrong with that?" Let's see... Some things are worth competing for.The value of our competitiveness is determined by the value of its object:Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever (I Cor. 9:24,25).However, when competition defines a man's life, then it becomes a wall to hide behind or an activity to get lost in. A competitive spirit sees everyone as an opponent to conquer not a person to open up to. A competitive spirit keeps opponents at arm's length. A competitive spirit is always on the defensive and never lets its guard down.I know men who compete at work twelve hours a day not just to make money or get ahead, but to avoid going home and facing their wives' soul-probing questions: "How are you feeling?" "Is something bothering you?" "Is everything all right?" "Are you sure nothing's wrong?"

Competitive men surround themselves with noise and activity to dull the ache of their lonely souls and to keep from being "found out." Inscribed on the lonely man's tank top, "Sissies open up. Let the games begin!"

So the games begin --- work, sex, power, money, investing, sports, hobbies, television, video games, surfing the net, guns, golf, fishing, hunting, bowling, racing, running, hiking, exercise, power lifting, basketball, football, baseball, tennis, bowling, pool, roller blades, extreme sports --- you name it we play it!

The lonely man muscles his way through life. Competition is his shield.

Therefore, the man is known by what he does not by who he is.

Competition makes a great mistress. She doesn't look behind the mask, she doesn't ask any soul-probing questions. But she has her price. Competition drains the masculine soul.

This is why the lonely man feels like a pack mule. He carries back breaking loads of emotional baggage. His isolated soul is crammed full of suppressed emotions, unresolved anger, gnawing guilt, humiliating shame, crushed dreams, and acute disappointments. He gropes for strength. He hides his pain. Yet, to protect his fragile ego, he stays in the game and competes with a vengeance.

When anyone tries to get past his shield, the lonely man retreats behind socially accepted responses: "I'm fine," "It's under control," "Nothing's wrong," "I can handle it!" What happens when the lonely man remains lonely?

Hold on to your ball cap...

The Passive Man

These words are inscribed on the doormat of the lonely man's soul, "passivity welcome." Don't misunderstand the passive man. He's not a three hundred pound couch potato with beer stains on his tee shirt whose fingers are callused from channel surfing.

The passive man can be an aggressive competitor, a successful leader, a gifted performer. The passive man can make a name for himself and leave his mark on society. Yet, for all his sound and fury, passivity rules his soul.

"What is passivity?" Passivity is the tendency of the masculine soul to allow part of his life to remain untouched and unmoved. And the part that remains untouched and unmoved is the most important part --- the hidden soul, the hurting boy, the wounded warrior, the lonely seeker, the frustrated conqueror, the disillusioned hero, the needy beggar.

A passive man hides the personal, displays the impersonal. He shrinks from transparency, gravitates toward hypocrisy. The passive man dodges what God desires --- in the inner parts (Psalm 51:6).

I know passive men who eat tough decisions for breakfast, but who would rather sleep on a bed of nails than un-mask their fragile egos by admitting one moral failure ("I've sinned..."), one emotional need ("I need you..."), or one painful disappointment ("I hurt...")

The passive man usually handles "tough stuff' and almost always side-steps the "vulnerable strut". Therefore, like father Adam, the passive man is forever hiding.

What happens if passivity goes unchecked?

Dr. Charles B.Brown..excerpt complete article is posted.