We used to call them apron strings. Strings that needed to be cut to launch a young man. I only address men here because I am convinced this is the problem. Women are different. I am also not talking about the unmarried middle aged man or woman who after having proven to themselves that they can make it on their own to return to take care of aging parents. That's a different issue.
My concern is the unproven untested bright able man child who never discovers his or her ability. Who is trapped with a set of apron strings and can't or won't get out. I see too much of this and it's time to call it what it is. Child abuse. We used to laugh at such kids (failure to launch) but in the last several years during these economic times it has become almost sacred to shelter, hover, protect our kids to the point where we cripple them for life. College is not the answer for every lost boy... life is.
Sometimes we must be cruel to be kind.. This is that. Get them out away from their mothers (and overprotective fathers). I see this way too much in the community. I have several friends who in talking to them, live with their mommas. I'm talking 30-40 year old men. Something is wrong with this. We joke about the whole Yo Momma thing... but it's out of hand. We have to begin launching young people again into household formation on their own. In the economy. This syndrome has created generations of dependency. Think of the dad who never got out of the house and now he marries and has kids. He won't get them out on their own because he never did. Its a nasty cycle.
We need a restoration of testosterone in our culture. Sometimes that takes a swift kick out the door. I have real life examples. Real life men I know who did just that. Sometimes it involved joining the military to cut the Apron Strings... Sometimes as my younger son did, he moved to Madison to seek what might be next, then to Minneapolis for a couple years, then to Boston, then to Lincoln NE and now Dallas Texas. All this in about 20 years. In a couple of these cases he had only a partial idea of what might be next as he went. That he was going to figure it out when he got there. He did.
My brother set out .. Mexico. California. Not always did it result in improvement, but the ability to test the edge of life's box ... gives confidence. I won't rehearse my own life... let's just say at 19 years old I took off and did fine.
I know many men who packed up and took off. They found what was next without really having a plan. Some would consider them vagabonds. We need more of that.
We all need to find the place in the world where we fit. Where we can make our stand. Sometimes that comes at the end of a journey away from the thing that inhibits our greatness; those who love us too much to let us go.
For a man between 20-30 years old who is still too connected to his parents, who is aimless, it's time to push them out of the nest. Here's how:
He needs a fighting chance so he should be:
- Given a vehicle (not fancy) that runs. Insured and licensed for one year. Mom and dad should take care of this.
Given enough for 5 tanks of Gasoline (a Gift Card good only at gas stations).
Given some establishing money... ~ $500-$1000
A burner flip phone with enough minutes to get them out of trouble and answer if an employer calls them. Mom and Dad pay for this for a year.
Told to pick a direction on the map from where they live in any direction. - Drive in the direction of the compass setting for two of the five tanks of Gasoline. No less than 500 miles away from mom and dad.
AND with a firm hearty handshake.... Pack their things. Wave Goodbye and tell them that barring a REAL crisis, you don't want to hear from them for a month, three would be better.
The boy is on his own. We waste too much time and energy coddling our boys.... let the boy be a boy. A great adventure. Learn to make it on his wits. Sleep in the car if need be. Learn to find a way to make a dollar... When is he ever going to become independent if he never cuts the apron strings?
Yes he might end up a few nights in a homeless shelter. Hopefully that shelter won't become a place of comfort... sometimes what we think is mercy is enabling. I have a problem with an able young man using a shelter as residence which happens far too often.
Every successful man I know who has been thru this wringer would never go back again. It's not survival of the fittest, it's proving to yourself that survival is possible, so one doesn't live on false hope, false support, false security. It creates confidence and courage.
IF a person never learns this in school of hard knocks, they are handicapped forever. The anvil of experience is the forge of destiny; it is essential. I know it seems cruel, but without the hardening that goes on as a person learns to come to grips with the edges on the envelope of life, they never find out how powerful they are.
At some point the become so self confident that one could drop them penniless from a helicopter anywhere in the western world where they can speak the language and it will result in not only survival but eventual prosperity. How could anyone deprive a young man of that adventure? I won't.
How can anyone discover their mettle unless it is tested? I have several friends who have spent many a night in a homeless shelter, gone without food, slept on hard floors, arrested and yet here they are doing well... not only surviving, but prospering. Do you think for a minute they would give those experiences back? I know they would not.
I pity folks who have lived life so protected there are neither ups nor downs, without risk and without any reward ... just a shallow even keel. President Theodore Roosevelt said:
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.
"Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all". I didn't say that, the Deaf, Dumb and Blind woman, Helen Keller did...
Now go kick that boy out and let him discover life while he is young enough to enjoy it.
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