On the heals of successful outreach philosophies such as the Emergent Church, the 12/7/12 House Church strategy, Purpose Driven Church, Seeker Friendly Church, the Sojourner Movement and a dozen other strategies, The Values-Neutral Church Model has these 7 principles as it’s basic theology:
- V-N Churches take no positions on anything. Abortion, Homosexuality, Gay Marriage, Drugs, Pedophilia, you name it, you do it, we’ll love and welcome you in. Heck we might even make you an elder. "Judge not" is our motto. We have no stones to throw.
- V-N Churches will never ever express an opinion about anything controversial. In fact we embrace anything you embrace. We aim to please and please we will, by golly.
- V-N Churches are very much against bad things (unless you are for them); in that case we love and agree with you. We are very tolerant. We are against hurting puppies, war, bad people, and narrow-minded people. (You know who you are). We're very tolerant and liberal minded.
- We offer awesome Worshiptainment. We don’t think you should have to learn all those dumb songs. So you just sit back, relax and enjoy the band as it plays it’s worship set for you. We’ll do an entertaining skit. We’ll give you an amusing motivational talk (no more than 10 minutes). We will never embarrass you about talking about sin or hell. It’s just not nice.
- We built our churches in the middle of a growth corridor. The fact that we are growing demonstrates that our church model works well. We will grow and build and build and grow and just give you a great show every Sunday. It’s the best deal in town. We let the next pastor worry about decline (and the mortgage) when the growth around us stops. We think our success (size of the offering and attendance) validates our strategy.
- Bring your kiddos to the the V-N Church. We have games and fun every week. We won’t bore them with all those nasty stories from the Bible. We all know that none of that stuff really happened anyhow. I mean Adam and Eve, Noah, Goliath, Virgin Birth, Get Real! We have all read the DaVinci Code and we believe in evolution. So you can relax. Your children after attending our Sunday School will never find anything controversial to conflict with the fine liberal education they receive in the public schools.
- V-N Churches believe in good marketing. We have hired Jenny McCarthy as the spokesbabe for V-N Church affiliates. We think fine looking blond women with big hooters will bring people to church, don’t you? We have engaged some of the best marketing experts from nationally recognized advertising agencies to promote you and your church. And then there's the sales. Just think of all the CD’s of your messages you will sell. And the Royalties on the books. Heck, you don’t even have to write them, we know you are busy with Golf and can’t be bothered. So we’ll write and market them for you in your name. You’ll be famous.
So, Mr/Ms Pastor, sign up now. We don’t take checks. We do an electronic withdrawal from your bank account every month. We call it our Church-Member-Tithe System. You’ll never have to think about it. We know it’s not really a Biblical tithe (1 Corinth 16:1-2 or Deut 16:17) but we don’t trust you enough to believe you’ll actually give. So we'll just take it.
May the Higher Power
(Whomever you conceive him/her to be, It’s OK with us)
Bless You,
The Bishop at the Value-Neutral Church Movement Headquarters
View Our Video Called "Me Church".
Isn't that the kind of Church YOU want???
Me either.
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