Top Ten Ways to Make it Big in Religion by Keith Owens

Do you want a name for yourself?

Do you want a never ending supply of other peoples money?

Do you desire to be a "licensed" middle man between God and his people?



IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE QUESTIONS THEN THIS NOTE IS FOR YOU!!!



I, Keith Owens, have CAREFULLY constructed a step by step, easy to read manual, that is proven to transition any ordinary, unknown, small titled man or woman into the MEGA-STARDOM of MEGA-MINISTRY!!!! So without any further a do... Let us begin



The first thing you must work on is your delivery :-)



#1. Delivery- It's not what you say... its how you say it.



Delivery is simply being able to come across as if you just said something major or profound when you actually didnt. This is a relatively easy task considering the fact that all mainstream christians already come pre-brainwashed before they ever come in contact with you. So now you no longer have to be deep if you can sound deep. Although actually being deep is a plus to some ministries that are used to it, it is generally not required. If you practice the sound they will never know the difference.

The first thing you do is work on your "church voice". Go listen to other successful pastors and try to do your best imitation. Change the way you word your sentences for a little extra flair (ex.) Do not say " Are you excited for what the Lord will be doing today" that is a mark of a true amateur. Instead say " Are you excited for what the Lord will be doing ON today" "ON yesterday" ON tomorrow" Just that one simple change will bring your deepness level up to about %40 deeper! Be careful though, christian trends change faster than the color of your male worship leaders contact lenses so you have to STAY ON TOP OF THE GAME. (some additonal deepness boosters are: accents, the organ playing while you speak, greek and hebrew translation, and hooping.)



#2. Title- It's not who you are, its what your'e called.



Listen... If you want to make it big in religion you have to FEEL important. VERY important. As in, more important than anybody else! There is no better way to feel important than to be constantly reminded of your title or (role) in "the church". NEVER I mean NEVER allow anyone to address you by your first name only! Not even your own mother! If you start letting those under you address you by first name only you will be well on the road to being a regular christian in no time. Who would you rather listen to? brandon washington? Or supreme deacon minister elect prophet Brandon D. Washington Jr.???? EXACTLY.

Tip: The more modern and different the title the better (choose wisely)



#3. Keep them dependant on you- It's not what you know... its who you know.



So at this point you are one step closer to being an official holy dope dealer well on your way to the fast cash and big name!! Believe me, the last thing you want now is for people to outgrow you and begin to think for themselves. The moment they approach your level in wisdom and understanding is the moment they no longer need you in the same capacity they once needed you in the beginning. NEVER LET THEM ARRIVE AT THAT POINT. Remember YOU are the setman of the house and THEY are put in place for one reason: TO PUSH YOUR VISION. When you see the same faces in your pews for years on end thats when you know your doing your job right. Keep them beneath you and ready to serve you.

Just like with any dope dealer it is important that you always keep your customers coming back. You can do that a number of ways. One way is to always keep them believing their break through is on the way continually tell them they are almost there. If they never arrive at their expected breakthough always place the blame on them.( ex.) lack of faith or you didn't GIVE enough money (thats my favorite). Another way to keep your customers coming back is a trick that has been known for YEARS by ALL the greats.... Learn these four words that will have your members excited to come back EVERYTIME - God Is About To____ _______ _____!!!!!! (insert whatever you like) As long as God always ABOUT to do something you have them in the palm of your hand. They will always be back to see what it is. The last thing we want is for them to find out God speaks to them too.

Tip: Practice your church cliches, works everytime (ex.) When praises go up blessings come down, If it had not been for the Lawd on my side etc...



#4. Mind Control- Keep them afraid



If your true desire is a fast growing church full of slaves OOPS I'm sorry; Christians, then your next order of operation is to establish control through fear. The best way to establish fear in a gullible christian is have them embrace the once saved "hardly saved" mentality. Have them believe that they are going to Heaven on Wednesday but Hell on Saturday (because they CLEARLY sinned more on Saturday) keep them sin concious instead of son concious and completely ignorant of what Jesus' finished work on the cross really means. As long as they are feeling bad about themselves and fearing Hell they will always have a reason to come back and give. OOPS I meant come back and praise the LORD!!





#5. Keep God external- keep them reaching outward.



Listen up all you up and coming young superstars... The LAST! I repeat the Last thing you want to do is let the customers truly understand that Jesus is inside of every last one of them. Always keep them working at entering the presence of God, keep them begging, crying, and slobbering for God to come visit the building. Never tell them God lives on the inside and all they need to do is release whats inside. The reason for this is very simple. The church with the most ENERGY is the church with the most members. So as long as you have them believing that the louder they shout, the harder they dance, the more they fall to the ground and speak tounges is the more God that enters the building... then your church will be known for miles around as being THEE PLACE TO BE! With all those EMOTIONS going haywire it would look like God himself were actually there!



#6. Always fashion God in your own image- anything else would simply be anti-religious of you



This one is fairly simple, young man of God. If you are really passionate about getting your ideals across to the masses and molding your church to reflect you in every aspect then you must follow this next step immediately! Whatever you hate, God now hates, and whatever you love He now loves. Let me give you an example. Close your eyes and pick out a sin that you dont do, something that you have no problem with at all.... lets say ummmmmm.. homosexuality. Express clearly to the people how God hates gays and would never let one into heaven. So what you lived with your wife before you two got married, that is wayyyy less of a sin. Why??? Because YOU want it to be! Simple as that. Start fashioning God in your own image and you will have a tailor made church specific to fit your likes and dislikes in no time!



#7. Image- Protect your image like you protect your life. Because in this world, your image IS your life.



Every great man of God needs at least one fall guy. Your fall guys are the people who do things and say things for you that you would never say yourself. They don't mind taking the wrap for things and getting a bad reputation for yoursake. Just make sure your paying them what they ask for and things should go smooth. The greatest thing about having fall guys is everyone will really think YOU have NO idea whats going on LOL.. You gotta love it. The people would literally worship you. To the point where you could get caught red handed touching little boys and they would never think TWICE about leaving your covering. They would first get mad at the boy for "touching God's anointed". When you have made it to step 7 you can literally do NO WRONG!





#8. Understanding Church Growth- The terriffic two



It is utterly impossible to be an effective Man or Woman of God without first having an in-depth understanding of what "church growth" really is. Dont let ANYONE fool you. There has been alot of rumors going around lately saying church growth is the condition of the community since the planting of the church. For example things like- The highschool drop out rate changing, suicide rate going down, homicides decreasing, domestic abuse at an all time low etc.... but no! Any successful Pastor will gladly tell you otherwise. Church growth is 2 things: 1.Members Growth and 2. Tithes and Offering increase. That is all that truly matters for the success of a true church. That is why you can have 20 churches in one neighborhood that never gets better. It just isnt your concern. Remember that.



#9. Demonize People- If you dont... Satan will!



I'ts no mystery that the world isn't exactly in the greatest of shape or condition... but who cares! As long as your church is and you are busy saving souls coming in from other churches. So who do we blame for the world being so vile, cruel and unsafe hmmmm.... certainly not us. Clapping and stomping never hurt anyone. We could blame Satan!! noooo... thats too generic. If you are SMART you simply blame the most influential people in the world right now that aren't christians!! Blame Jay-Z, Kanye, Obama, Illuminati, Masons, Nicki Minaj, Trey Songs, Marilyn Manson etc.... I know the bible says greater is HE that is IN us than HE that is IN the world but just dosen't apply here. Lets blame all of those people who take the influence that we are too afraid to take because we would rather clap and stomp while we wait for the rapture to zap us. Lets murder all of the craetivity of our artists and make them afriad to make a song that dosen't say Jesus' name in it for fear of comprimise and hell fire... even if Jesus' character is seen throught the entire song, dosent matter, say his name! or he'll be angry :-). By the way we are fighting a losing battle after all right?? So instead of loving the people lets wage war against THEM instead of the spirits behind it... that way they will NEVER come to know the truth and we will always have someone we can always feellike we are better than!



#10. NO QUESTIONS!- By far the greatest religious commandment of them all.



NEVER, EVER let the people ask questions about why we do things the way we do, why we translate the bible the way we do, why we do things exactly like this, and in THIS ORDER! WE must keep them mindless drones. That way when they do finally here the truth they wont even recognize it!hahaha If they ask questions make them feel like they are questioning God himself and NO ONE QUESTIONS GOD! Because EVERYONE knows God is not nice and does NOT like to answer questions!!! how do i know that?? Because I dont like to answer questions and I fashioned God in my image!



So if anybody ever asks anything like:



1. So if Jesus leaves the 99 for the 1 because he cares about the one just as much as the 99 does that mean if the devil gets one soul he's actually a winner?



2. Why do we look at some things Jesus said spiritually but we look at some literally and physically when he even said everything he spoke was a parable?



3. Why does a man born with a prostitute for a mom and drug dealer for a dad expected to find Jesus the same way i did growing up in a christian home? is that fair?



4. Why does my pastor preach on big faith and miracles and the same man in a wheelchair comes and sits in the front row and leaves in a wheel chair everyday? Did God quit healing people or are you just scared to get embarrassed if he doesnt get up when you tell him get up right now?



5. Why are you afraid to believe that God can be better and more powerful than you believe him to be right now? What are you really afraid of? hmmmmmm? :-)









If anyone ever says ANYTHING like that label them a blaspheming troublemaker sent from satan. The same way they are probably doing ME right now lol. But its worth it FOR YOU! Religious people labeled Jesus a blasphemer, I'm in pretty good company.

By: Keith 'K.O. Owens (THE AWAKENING)