I was reminded of the loss (Death) of our last two pets, Skipper the Dog and Ebner the cat. Family and friends who remember the 18 years of Skipper always include something akin to this phrase, “that was the ugliest dog I ever saw”. He was no beauty pageant winner. But he was Skip and he was my dog.
Eb I rescued from a burlap sack that was going to be tossed in the water by a neighbor who had too many cats and Eb just didn’t fit. I traded him for a bushel of corn. Eb was always thankful. He loved something called the running game. Sometimes when he was feeling frisky he would run as fast as he could and then jump on a towel and slide across the floor. He also taught us to speak cat. I wrote on that once. But he loved however cats love. We had him 20 years.
When they died (10 years apart) I grieved.
I still do.
Which brings me to my point. I think grieving contains a gender differential. Maybe because women are aware of the creation of life they are allowed to carry they see life as sunrise and sunset different from men. Men don’t experience sunrise so sunsets seems so wrenching.
I have friends who read this blog (yes it’s about you) who lost a young adult son a few years ago. Watching them grieve and deal with this (can anyone really deal with it) causes me to believe that men grieve more deeply and permanently than women do. Not better. Just deeper. Maybe actually worse. We (I include myself here) don’t ever really get over it.
Men put on a big bravado show. Men are bold and brash. Men’s hearts break deeply and heal slowly. Women don’t do this. They seem to have a good sob, put things away and move on.
Like King David in the Bible after burying the love child of him and Bathsheba took a shower changed clothes and went back to work. I will tell you that’s not normal. Maybe because Nathan the prophet had told him this would happen he had prepared himself.
This all comes to me because of a moving account of a fellow blogger’s account of having a long time pet cat put to sleep. What struck me was the depth of comment from one of the men who called himself old timer. I know what he’s saying. If you are a man, so do you.
Men don’t do well with personal loss. Women lose husbands and life goes on sometimes for 30 years. Men lose wives and like Johnny Cash are gone in a few months.
I don’t know what that means. I don’t know why it is. It just is.
2 comments:
I concur with your assertion that women deal with death and loss far more effectively than men.
I think the reason men die so soon after the woman is....WHO FEEDS 'EM?
Hi, Gene -- Sue here. I agree with Karma. I didn't think either Mike or I would live through losing Mark, but it would appear I've "recovered" more quickly. I chalk that up to the (generally) feminine trait of being emotionally open and vulnerable. MANY times I cried out to God, gradually receiving His peace and assurance that all is well. Over and over I sobbed, dumped, lamented, and prayed with my dear friends whose love and patience allowed me to expose my anguish/pain/fear/remorse/despair/you name it (and doesn't their ministry to me show another dimension of God's goodness???). I journalled my feelings at different stages of the grief process. I sought out and received "words" from others who heard from the Lord on my behalf when I was too tormented to hear clearly myself. On the other hand, my precious husband, who has never been comfortable sharing his innards, has pretty much kept the enormity of his grief and pain to himself. How much can he heal with all that still inside?
Back to me -- I will never "be over" the loss of my son. I function pretty well for an old chick, I am reasonably happy, I am crazy about our other son and our precious granddaughters, and I'm grateful for health and the good life God has given us. But really, deep down, I relate more to the next world than this one. I want to go Home. I'm weary and I want to see the son who was and is my precious baby (also the two grandbabies I've never met). He is in my heart constantly and in my thoughts every day.
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