So you want me in your church?
Here’s how to get me.
Parking: I need lots of space for my big SUV and it better be close to the door. I don’t want to do much walking. So if it isn’t, how about a shuttle?
Nice building: This is important. I am not interested in some strip mall church that looks like its struggling or an old traditional church unless you’ve done millions in ‘renos’ I am an upwardly model, semi-professional and I want my surroundings to reflect my importance.
Proper HVAC: this isn’t important its critical. I want to be cool when its warm and warm when its cool. 68 degrees Farenheit to 72 degrees farenheit year round. Is that too much to ask?
Comfy Chairs: And when I say chairs I mean CHAIRS! Preferably theatre style, with wide arm rests. Give me some space for my girth and safe distance from the other arriving consumers.
Be Punctual: I’ve already spent too much time getting me and the family ready and there for the meeting. Begin it on time. Have something cool playing on the big screens to entertain us if we arrive a little early. You’ve got an hour. Make good use of it. I want to be in and out in no more than 75 minutes. Maybe a few more if you are serving decent coffee. Decent coffee that is FREE of course.
Music: Three songs up front. One fast to get us going; One mid-tempo to help us be reflective; End with a fast one that tells us how much Jesus, God, the Spirit loves us. Just please no ‘Jesus is my boyfriend’ songs.
Announcements: Get them over after the music. Present them on your big screen so they can be done quickly. This isn’t the time to stick your “B” team on the platform to give them some face time. And unless Larry David is writing for you, avoid humor. Have the final cut folk edit your marketing stuff down to 15 second bites. If it works for Sony, it will work for you.
Offering: Now it’s up to you where you put it. If the preacher is great after the sermon might work better. If not, go for the money after the announcements. Maybe show some shots of starving, third-world kids in the last announcement. Heart string tugs work for Compassion and World Vision, why not your church? God loves a cheerful giver and the Malachi 3 verses and the 100-fold blessing are important reminders. A good story of how tithing worked from someone would be great. No more than 90 seconds though.
Sermon: 20 MINUTES! Did I make myself clear? 20 MINUTES! 20 … 20! We have the attention spans of gnats. Keep that in mind. Make it practical. If I wanted systematic theology I would have gone to seminary. Use humor. Steal from the best if necessary. I want to leave feeling built up and it’s a bonus if I can use your jokes and stories that you told at work tomorrow.
Final song: Let the band rip on the last song. Feel good, happy, clappy works here IF you want us wanting to come back for more next week.
Benediction: Let the band lay back and under as you bless us. Speak multiplied blessings over us and then do a ‘fast pitch’ for whatever product you need to sell and I did say ‘fast pitch’! And then the band amps back up. This is the place for a guitar or sax solos as we head out the doors to the shuttle bus or the bookstore or the free coffee. It’s ok to charge us something extra for latte’s. Like I said, I am a consumer… oh, and a ‘sort of a Christian’. If you build this I will come … or so you’ve been told.
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