TOP 7 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A HUSBAND (from J. Duin)

Have your husband act like a jerk toward a famous warlord while you secretly show up at the warlord's camp with muleloads of tasty provisions, at which point the warlord falls in love with you, after which point you inform your husband of the whole matter, at which point he has a stroke, dies and you marry the warlord.

Show up at a threshing floor (if you can find one anywhere outside of Kansas) in the dead of night and uncover the feet of the best-looking guy there.

Go to any old watering hole and start filling the watering jars of the guy with the most camels.

Have your good-looking sister lure someone to marry her but substitute yourself for her on their wedding night.

Hang around barren women and offer to be a concubine for their husbands' need.

Take a bath on your roof preferably in view of some nearby apartment buildings.

Make like a prostitute around guys who hear from God that they need to marry you to show the country the nature of their idolatrous ways.

(You'll have to figure out the references yourself...)