OK. This is my last post for the long weekend. I post it because a number of you asked to know what the column was that was rejected by American Thinker. I've always contend that the Right is at time as racist as the Left. Both sides are only interested in the opinion of a Black person to the extent that it conform to their views. I write only what I believe, which is why you will never see me on any cable shows, Fox included. I really want to know if any of you think it is offensive. Here's the column:
Bounties Would Stem the Flood of Illegal Aliens Into The U.S.
So we’re told it’s impossible to identify, round up and deport all of the 11 million or so illegal aliens living in the United States.
Therefore, it’s crucial we seize this last chance to rescue the nation, nay, the world from utter ruin by creating a legal pathway to citizenship for the millions who have illegally (as in, against the law) crossed our borders.
Otherwise, so many illegals will come to the U.S. that it will cause a geographic weight imbalance so great that the earth will slip from its orbit and we’ll all go careening and screaming into the frigid void of interstellar space.
And the only saving grace will come when some distance civilization struggling with the same problem learns from our folly when our frozen planet populated only by an evolved race of intelligent, tequila-flavored Popsicles pops up on its doorstep to relate the tale in some far-off future.
Thus goes -- with a hair of creative license -- the specious argument of the alarmists (Democrat and Republican alike) beating the drums for the immigration reform bill now before the U.S. House, which will pass. Accept it.
In the meantime, ignore the strum und drang. There’s a far simpler solution available. It’s one with a long history, would save gobs of cash and would solve the problem quicker than Al Sharpton lining his pockets from a bag full of stolen money from a federal minority set-aside program.
And that’s plenty fast.
If we want to get serious, we should place a bounty on the head of every illegal, payable to any American citizen who turns him or her in, no questions asked. Let’s say, $1,000. At one grand a throw, the final bill would come to $11 billion or roughly what the feds spend in a day on Social Security, defense, subsidies, the fence on the Southwest border it’s not building, everything.
With an incentive like that an entirely new industry would spring up, helping to reduce unemployment and welfare rolls. Again -- more savings. “Make big bucks rounding up illegals. Impress your neighbors. Wear a uniform. Get a shiny new badge and a gun. Classes are forming fast. Don’t miss out. Call 1-800-BAG-JOSE.
A bounty program for illegals would actually do what the federal government claims all its programs do but don’t -- pay for itself and then some. Each year, illegal aliens cost U.S. taxpayers about “$113 billion dollars at the federal, state and local levels,” according to the Federation for American Immigration Reform.
That’s a lot of pesos. (Let’s be honest. We’re talking Mexicans here, though the PC crowd has cowed everyone from admitting it. It why this nation is in its twilight.)
One hundred thirteen billion dollars less $11 billion comes to a net savings of $102 billion. That’s money we could combine with the billions we’re spending on the Southwest border fence we’re not building to keep out illegal aliens we’re not trying very hard to keep out.
Another idea would be to put current welfare recipients to work using their Obamaphones to turn in illegals, especially the ones that think 7 a.m., on a Saturday is the ideal time to fire up an ear-splitting leaf blower. For the sake of a good night’s sleep, they should be the first to be deported.
There would be nothing unprecedented about a bounty system for illegals. For hundreds of years, bounties have been paid out for all manner of lawbreakers (Illegal aliens. Hello! Illegal.) from bank robbers to tax cheats to bail jumpers.
There were even bounties placed on people who made the mistake of being where they weren’t supposed to be before the rightful owners (us) show up, such as Indians. All across the fruited plains, from sea to shining sea, America is littered with millions of communities and sites with Indian names. Yet, it’s a good bet that not one in a thousand Americans has ever spoken to two Indians in a day, let alone seen two together at the same time.
That’s because our ancestors used bounties to help round them up and place them on reservations where federal welfare programs have left them the only minority group even less well off than Blacks. Serves them all right for voting Democrat.
A bounty on illegals would only be dealing with half the problem. We should also offer a bounty to anyone who rats out a company employing illegals. The bounty would be payable by the company and would be $10,000 a pop for each worker a snitch turns in. The program wouldn’t cost taxpayers a dime and would cause wages on the lower end of the scale to rise and entice millions off the welfare rolls. The savings just keep ringing up. Cha-ching.
So how do we identify who’s illegal and who isn’t? That’s the easy part. A dead giveaway -- and you might want to write this one down -- they don’t speak English. Also, illegals adore a game in which two teams kick a ball up and down a field for hours for no discernable reason. It’s called soccer.
There are some illegal aliens who do speak English and don’t like soccer. We would have to be little cagier when rooting them out. Here’s a sure-fire method: Ask them to complete these lyrics (in English):
“Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
a tale of a fateful trip
That started from this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship.
The mate was a mighty sailing man,
The skipper brave and sure.
Five passengers set sail that day for a …?"
If they don’t quickly and correctly answer, “three-hour tour. A three-hour tour,” then it’s pack your bag, Rodriguez, you just earned a trip back to Tijuana.
The Drive-By Pundit is the pen name of Perry Drake, author of two recently published e-books, The Book of Racist Democrat Quotes and "Democratic Nigger!": The Long, Racist, Bloody Account of the Democrat Party's Hatred for Blacks. Both are available on Amazon.com. Perry can be reached at prrydrake@yahoo.com, on Facebook at www.facebook.com/perry.drake.10, and on Twitter @Perry_Drake
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