Lord I Believe, But HELP my Unbelief

I am going thru a crisis of faith. I have seen a miracle. Actually several. I am having a hard time with all this. I won't tell you what the miracle was, it's too fantastic to relate. But, it was real and I am having a hard time dealing with it.

This has caused me to question what I say I believe. I have been a charismatic for a long time, I have seen some remarkable things, I have been shocked spiritually from time to time. It's all been good. But now, I am seeing things happen I can't explain. I can accept people being healed of disease, people having restoration miracles (Like a restored eye, eardrum or cancerous tumors disappearing), I could deal with someone being raised from the dead, miracles of financial provision, miracles of God's intervention in difficult situations. All these are well inside my comfort zone. It's the Miracles that are over and above blessing and provision that I struggle with.

Extravagant Miracles.

That's the problem. Now that certain higher-level miracles are happening around me, I'm staggered. I don't know what to think. I don't know why I don't believe. I want to find ways to explain these things outside of the supernatural. I can't easily explain it away.

This is rocking my world. I didn't realize I had once more put God in a box and told Him he could do this but not that. I have heard of these amazing things from overseas but had never seen them for myself. Always dismissed them as so much charismatic hysteria. Now that I have seen them for myself I'm shocked and filled with doubt.
The doubt comes because these things have the effect in that they magnify the reality of God more than I was ready for. I can't rationally deal with that.

I was comfortable with a more abstract God. I have no idea why I'm writing this. I'm not confessing a loss of my faith in God, but I must get past this stop limit I have placed on his hand in peoples lives. He's bigger than I thought possible.

I mean, what if on a regular basis people who were dead, dead, dead in the morgue for 5 days were raised up? Frequently. Documented. On TV. In person. How do you deal with that? What if a man standing in front of you had no arm, it had been shot off in Iraq. While you stood and watched the arm was restored, grew back, in your view. What do you do with that? What does that mean in your life? How do you not change everything in your life? What does it all mean?

Where I am is this? Maybe his arm being gone was an illusion. Maybe he really didn't lose it in Iraq. Maybe this is all a parlor trick. Maybe I'm being played for a sucker. I saw the old movie Mondo Cone. I know it can be done.

OR, maybe God really is doing these things. I don't know what I believe anymore. I'm in crisis.

It so disturbed me that last night in a dream I had a visitation. I was in Germany with my wife. We had gone there for a meeting. We were staying in a nice hotel ($400/night). We were in a meeting of some kind led by someone who I didn't recognize. It was conducted in English. About 40 or so people there. Then the meeting's leader called my name. He didn't know I was there. Calling my name shocked me. He asked me, "Why are you running from the Ministry I called you to". "You were called long ago for this purpose and you aren't filling it". He then proceeded to display ancient documents written in a language I didn't understand, Not English, Not German. But written there was a long long heritage of Men from my lineage who had committed themselves to ministry and had fulfilled it. That is true. We have a stambuch which goes back to 1271AD. There are many men in my family tree who were spiritual leaders, pastors, theology professors, and men of God in other ways. He was pointing to them, particularly those after the reformation. Why was I running from the call on my life? I didn't think I was.

Then the scene changed.

A 3 decade review of ministries I have been involved with began to review (like in "It's a Wonderful Life") in front of my eyes. A Christian Magazine that almost folded but for an encouragement God allowed me to bring 20 years ago when it was about to go under they now they are in 11 countries in 5 languages with hundreds of thousands of subscribers. How a proclamation, encouragement or impartation had made a major impact on many ministries in the USA and overseas. How some of those ministries would not exist today if I hadn't been placed strategically to provide a word from God in due season. How I had been used of God to do accomplish his purpose. I was humbled to see this. I knew that this was how God had used me to bring clarity and encouragement to keep ministries that were stumbling to keep from falling down. I also knew that I have been less faithful in this area than I had been in years past.

Now I'm in a new place. A place I'm not comfortable with. A place that is stretching me spiritually. I don't know what to do with it all.

I jokingly say, maybe I've been around Lutherans too long. I've been infected with doubt and unbelief. (That's a Joke). I'm just not sure why I'm having a hard time.

So, I'm going to let it stew, I'm going to ask God to help me out of my unbelief.

I need a breakthrough. I need to stop running away.

If you see me running, stop me.