It’s Got to Suck to be a Climavangelist!

Doug Giles
Saturday, December 05, 2009

What are the global warming grunts going to do now that the Apostles of the Holy Church of Climatology have been busted for cooking the “truth” (I believe the exact word they used was “tricking” us) so that we the sheeple would step-n-fetch to their Chicken Little crap?

What will chunky Al Gore do seeing that he has officially slammed into a veritable inconvenient truth? I hear that Gore hasn’t been this gauche since he was busted in 2001 by Warren Christopher while lip-synching to “Dancin’ With Myself” in the Lincoln Bedroom wearing only Tipper’s pantyhose, Madonna’s snow cone bra, and Janet Reno’s glasses.

This just in! NewsBusters reports that Al Gore has just cancelled his $1,200 per person December 16th Climate Change blah blah blah speech in Copenhagen. Come on, Al, don’t quit now. It’s just about to get good. And there will always be plenty of Euro-tools who’ll continue to buy your trumped-up, utterly specious green hash gobbledygook. Cowboy up, sister.

You and I both know that Judas Priest Albert Gore, facts be damned, will never recant but will instead retreat in a recalcitrant manner deeper into Hollywood weirdness where the global warming Kool Aid runs like Tiger Woods did from his angry wife with a 3 iron. Trust me.

As John Stewart pointed out on the Daily Show this week, oh the irony that the Internet Al invented has debunked his global warming bunkum. Christmas came early this year for me! Yes it did. Pay attention, kiddies: You’re viewing history in the making. Yep, little children, the Climavangelists’ attempt to hoodwink our planet will make your history books. Correction: that would be the homeschoolers’ history books. But I digress.

Back to the modus operandi of the tree humpers. Here’s what the greenies will do now even though they know they’ve been had: They’ll try to kill the news, and if that doesn’t work they’ll attempt to kill the messenger as they plug their ears, stomp their feet, and keep believing their goofy gospel of green. They have no other recourse as they have worked too hard for this to be true.

In addition, for the power brokers of this hot earth heresy there is just way, way too much money to lose and control to be forfeited for them to concede that their leaders have been lying SOBs.

Nor should you expect the lower level hairy-legged earth girl to bail out of her tree, cease to drop acid, stop wearing hemp and assimilate into reality anytime soon just because she got fish slapped with truth. These green gals will, one and all, Jim Jones this thing to the bitter end and maintain their global warming course right through the coming ice age. Hail hot mother earth!

Yep, since the revealing of the egregious climate con job discovered in the email exchanges with “scientists” at the University of East Anglia and the subsequent resignations of a couple of their glory boys, Climavangelism and Climavangelists have fallen on tough times. Kinda like ACORN has. Maybe, like ACORN, the Climate Change/Global Warming reality stylists could change their name. Yeah, that’s it! I hear ACORN is going to fly under the new moniker “Societal Assistance Through Action Now,” or “SATAN” for short.

As you can tell, I truly don’t give a rat’s backside what Al Gore and his warm earth whores do in light of being lied to, but I do care what normal, non-brainwashed droogies do in lieu of this academic Ponzi scheme. I say a little rebellion is in order seeing how these clowns have sought to control our lives and milk our wallets in one of the greatest scientific scams in the last few centuries.

Here’s what I’m gonna do:

1. I am going to go outside by my pool and spray two full 32oz cans of Aqua Net right at the ozone.

2. I am going to use a gas powered scooter to go from room to room in my house, which will have all the outside doors open wide while the A/C is blowing full blast.

3. I am going to buy a ‘69 GTO with no exhaust system and let it idle for 4 hours a day in my driveway every day until Jesus returns.

4. I am going to fart as much as possible.

5. Speaking of farting, I am going to feed my cows bean dip and only bean dip. 6. I am going to set my thermostat on 85 in the winter and 55 in the summer.

7. I am going to use all my curly cue fluorescent light bulbs for clay pigeons—and not clean up the mess.

8. I am going to air up my tires on my ‘69 Goat so much that it looks like a frickin’ Macy’s Parade float.

9. When I go grizzly bear hunting in Alaska this spring I am going to add a polar bear to my license and take one of those as well.

10. While in Alaska I will take a blowtorch to a glacier to get my drinking water. 11. In addition, I am going to throw snowballs at seals. It won’t hurt them, but they will understand that the game is back on.

12. And finally, I am going to make certain my girls have Horner’s book Red Hot Lies and Milloy’s book Green Hell so that when their profs and goofy friends open their mouths on behalf global warming they can go Stone Cold Steve Austin on them with the cold, hard facts.

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