Bad Boys are No Good, Good Boys are No Fun

By Junior De Souza Blessings friends, After I wrote the article on Jezebel (click HERE to read), I was flooded with responses. Many asked questions like,How can we help the men become strong?, and, What should the men do? This article is one of a few I will be writing in the coming months to answer exactly that. I am aiming this article at single Christian men in a dating/courtship/premarriage context. However, the points can and should be converted and applied by married men also. NOTE: I will use the term bad boy often throughout this writing. I do not mean bad in a moral sense (as in evil or wicked), but bad in a slang sense to mean unbridled masculinity. Junior Nice Guys & Bad Boys Often I hear unmarried women say, "I want a nice guy with a sense of humor who will treat me well." Her girlfriends reply therapeutically in warm-fuzzy unison, "Aw...I know...me too." After this Lifetime movie estrogen session, they each return to their "Bad Boy" boyfriends who treat them like poop. Next month, and the month after that, and the year after that, they repeat this futile X-chromosome ritual. So goes the maddening ping ponging women often do between Nice Guys and Bad Boys. Bad Boys Nice guys want to be them. Intellectual guys hate them. Women love them. And somehow, the world needs them. If it weren't for the God of heaven and earth, bad boys would run the planet. He is primal and dangerous. Nonconservative and outside boxes. He pushes limits. He ignores social conventions and implied rules. He doesn't walk, he swaggers. He doesn't talk, he charms. He doesn't share his thoughts, he declares them. He is not looking for something, he sees himself as the something everyone is looking for. For these and several other reasons, bad boys overwhelm the female brain. Her mind and heart may hate him, but her viscera craves him. The Bad Boy is the archetypal male who embodies unbridled masculinity--manhood at its rawest and wildest. In an age of weak men, overly nice guys, boring men, effeminate men, and homosexual men, bad boys are embarrassingly refreshing to women and society. We love to hate them and we hate to love them. Christlike Bad Boys But bad boys are on to something. Yes, they can be astonishingly immature. Yes, their narcissism is rancid. But they are still on to something very fundamental. Bad boys have somehow managed to retain powerful male attributes in a time when manhood is being rigorously undermined. True manliness has been threatened by excessive technology, sedentary lifestyles, poor/absent fathers, gender muddling, homosexuality, transgenderism, Nice Guy complexes, and so on. Authentic masculinity is up against the ropes. We can expect these things from the lost world, but not in the kingdom and church. We need Christlike bad boys--men with the spirit and power of David. Our bored wives and frustrated single sisters need them. They need Christ-centered men who have restored in themselves a definitive and irresistible manliness. Bad boys are confident. The aura of supreme confidence is the bad boy's most magnetic trait. Call it cocky or cavalier, but they are undeniably surrounded by a silver pool of light. Everywhere they go and everything they do is saturated with gusto and bravado--whether it be with friends or with women, at the grocery store or the Christmas party, opening a Coke or opening a door, entering their car or entering a crowded room. This larger-than-life, in-control demeanor mesmerizes people, especially women. Insecurity and self-doubt do not exist in their mental models. While timid Christian men are waiting passively for the best blessings, the bad boys of this world are gorging themselves on the spoils. Where are the Christlike bad boys who will plunder the sons of Babylon? Become a Christlike Bad Boy Single brothers, Scripture never tells us to be castrated churchmen. It tells us to be Christlike. It tells us to aggressively pursue kingdom blessings (Mt 11:12). This means supreme confidence and proactive go-getting--not in the strength of flesh or ego--but in the spirit of a Davidic kingly identity Christ has already conferred on us (Rev 1:6 NKJV). In the realm of romance/premarriage, this means stop being so wimpy when you're interested in a godly sister. Never be pushy or disrespectful, but demonstrate a robust male confidence. You must exude that you have what it takes to be her David and Boaz. If you do secure a date/outing with her, be your strongest You. Don't act like a puppy. Don't stare up at her. Don't hesitate when talking. Be decisive. Take the lead. Voice your convictions. Be funny and fun. Be supremely confident in your kingship and manhood. Bad boys are nonreactive. The bad boys of Babylon care very little about very little. They care about themselves and their next adventure, that's about it. They have a laissez-faire, que sera sera, easy come-easy go attitude. Ironically, this is one of the main reasons they are so successful with women. If she says No...who cares? The next Yes is just around the corner. If she says Yes...well, it is for her own good. Conceited? Quite. But there is a deeper social mechanism at work. What is happening here is social leveraging throughnonreactivity. People only react when they sense a benefit or threat. Therefore, when a person is nonreactive in a situation, he/she senses neither benefit nor threat. This nonreactive demeanor is a social message that says, "I have more than you, I know more than you, I am more powerful than you, therefore, you are not any benefit or threat to me." This message indicates the nonreactive person has higher social value, and thus, is more significant and desirable. This is why women often pine over men who pay little or no attention to them. Their biological instincts tell them this man has higher social status and power, and thus, ideal to be aligned with. Become a Christlike Bad Boy Single brothers, we need a healthy measure of nonreactivity, but for the right reasons. First of all, we should not react to everything in life. Few things are truly attention-worthy. Respond only to those comments or happenings that really are substantial. If you do this well, people sense you are on a higher spiritual and social dimension. They will desire to align with you. In romance/premarriage, nonreactivity is even more important. Women perceive the status and power of a man by his nonreactivity, or stated another way, by his wise and calculated reactions. Your cruise-control steadiness indicates your high caliber as a man. Therefore, do not be hypersensitive or easily moved by a woman's testy comments and behaviors. In fact, do not be easily moved by women in general. Your reality is much larger than her, encompassing Christ, His kingdom, your own mission in life, your sphere of influence, your passions and interests, and so on. So be cool! Proverbs 17:27(NKJV):...a man of understanding is of a calm spirit. Show emotion and react at times that are truly important and necessary. Our single sisters and wives need us to be this still, steady tree trunk for them. Song of Songs 2:3(NIV): Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade... Bad boys are emotionally independent. I have never met a bad boy who was overly dependent on others. And certainly not a Mama's Boy. Sure, they have other addictions and issues, but direct emotional dependency on others is not often one of them. In fact, the allure of these guys is that they seem so self-sufficient and independent, which is interpreted by people (especially women) as superior emotional strength. It's true. The more emotionally independent a man is, the stronger he becomes. This does not mean he is above intimacy and bonding--not at all. It means this: a man should be emotionally independent enough to be the pillar and tree trunk for his lady, family, and social circle. Codependents and Mama's Boys will always be the puppies on someone else's leash. Become a Christlike Bad Boy Single brothers, it is time to individuate emotionally.Individuation means "the quality of being individual and independent". Instead of looking to others for your solution, look to Jesus and your own life. Get passionate about your own life! If emotional deficits are keeping you dependent on others, get healing from the Lord, His Word, prayer, and counseling. In romance/premarriage, realize women will consciously and subconsciously "test" you. They are assessing your level of strength and independence. Weaker males fail these tests by being excessively compliant, hypersensitive, getting flustered, desperate, begging, doing anything to please, changing their opinions to accommodate her, and so on. This is why nice guys finish last--they are not truly Christlike. Paul says Christ and Christlikeness always leads us to triumph (2Co 2:14).Always. You be the leader and you set the pace. Do not give in if your conscience or common sense says you shouldn't. Stand your ground. Say No. Disagree. If necessary, walk away. Our single sisters need us to be this kind of emotionally independent, individuated, Christlike man. Bad boys are fun, adventurous, & risky. Whether it's driving too fast or dancing till dawn, or hitting on a taken woman or forcing down one more shot, the bad boys of Babylon live life like a video game. Their motto is, I'll try anything once. Though it may be quite dangerous at times, it is one fun ride for all involved. Especially for girls, who, like Cyndi Lauper sang, "just wanna have fun". These guys do not look for adventure; they themselves are the adventure. With uncanny creativity, they turn even the most mundane situations into an experience. Become a Christlike Bad Boy Single brothers, develop a fun, adventurous, and risky spirit. Think it, feel it, plan it, then go do it! Sometimes we cannot even plan it; we must move on pure, heart-pounding spontaneity. By "risky" I do not at all mean sinful or illegal. I mean pushing legitimate limits, and, doing radical and unusual things. Instead of dinner and a movie, why not take her for a glass of champagne in a hot air balloon? Instead of the community pool, a natural waterfall? Instead of one movie, a movie marathon of three movies? Instead of homemade popcorn, roasting marshmellows on a lighter? Bad boys often kiss the wilder side of life like this. From big, preplanned events to daily habits to spontaneous adventures, they make life interesting and humorous. You do not need to be a genius. You do not need a million dollars. Relax, loosen up your Mr. Rogers belt, and be fun, adventurous, and risky! Bad boys are mysterious. Mystery is one of the most powerful forces that be. Mystery is that dangling carrot, that bouncing string keeping the cat interested, that uncertain ending that keeps us watching. This is a large part of what keeps us seeking God--we know there is more. Bad boys are masterfully mysterious. Not necessarily because they are social experts, but because they must hide personal information that could undermine their game. Therefore, they will hide or obscure their intentions, emotions, thoughts, history, or any other kind of sensitive information. They have mastered the poker face. They ration their words. They communicate with purpose. Women, who thrive on communication, are both bothered and attracted by this mystery. Like an Alfred Hitchcock movie, they are baited and hooked to see how the story ends--to discover, understand, and experience the man behind the mystery. Is he really all that? Is he a con-artist? Something in-between? How will I ever know? Sure...I'll meet you for dinner...again. Become a Christlike Bad Boy Single brothers, stop the diarrhea of the mouth. Stop sharing too much too quickly. Be like slow-digesting carbs...slowly and progressively release your sugars. Women feel safer with men they can read easily, but, they are immensely more attracted to mysterious men they can discover over time. The unveiling is sweeter and more treasured. Jesus does this with us. He does not reveal too much of Himself too quickly. He reveals Himself proportionately and progressively according to our level of intimacy, faithfulness, and longevity with Him (Mk 4:22-25). Brothers, if you want a chance at being her David and Boaz, do not dump your soul on her. Love her like Jesus would--reveal yourself proportionately and progressively. Bad boys are virile. Virile means "full of sexual energy". Bad boys are virile. They assertively, and sometimes brazenly, own their sexuality. Through comments and jokes, clothing and accessories, body language and facial expressions, bad boys ooze a plethora of social cues saying, "I am a ready, able, and confident lover." The female brain interprets his cues as saying, "I can produce the strongest, healthiest offspring." While nice guys are trying so hard to "not mess up" and make their mother proud on their first date, bad boys have already stolen their date's attention from blazing pheromones sent across the room. Become a Christlike Bad Boy Single brothers, believe it or not, you can be both Christlike and virile. No, you don't have to sin with your words. No, you don't have to sin sexually. No, you don't have to act like a teenage boy. No, you don't have to ogle. I will let the Holy Spirit give you the personal applications. However, you can begin by not denying or disassociating from your sexual nature. This is who you are as a basic man--sexual, testosteroned, and virile. Our single sisters need to sense we would be confident lovers in the marriage bed, and, our wives need husbands to lead the way to a green bed (SS 1:16). www.juniordesouza.com www.jdarticles.com www.prophecyeducation.com