Goodbye Friend

This afternoon Peggy and I went to a wake. For you non-Illinoisans, a wake is what they do here. In Dakota we used to call it a viewing. I like the way it’s done here. It’s a real production.

Tomorrow morning is the funeral. I love Pentecostal funerals. They rock. And it’s not about dying it’s about life. The way it should be.

The mourning is done, He will turn my mourning into dancing tomorrow morning and I plan to dance.

Ken was a friend. Since a fellow blogger wrote a thoughtful piece on what it means to be a friend I thought I would give you some that Ken demonstrated in our friendship. Perhaps Ken best demonstrated that to have true friends you have to be a friend. But, here are some ways he showed it best:

Ken’s Principles of Friendship

1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. He was always affirming. Never critical. Oh he could ask the hard questions but without making me feel like an idiot. He had a lot of things in his life which he could have complained about. He never did. He was full of faith that God would make it better. Now heaven is a more interesting place.

2. Give honest, sincere appreciation. Without being phony, Ken made me feel appreciated. Welcoming, warm and sincerely thankful for whatever time we spent together. I loved him for that.

3. Arouse in the other person an eager want. He never asked me to do anything without “selling” it to me. I never felt manipulated. I always wanted to help. At the missions banquet he invited me to I felt like a real honored guest and he made it interesting to come. Bless him.

4. Become genuinely interested in other people. He seldom talked about himself. Oh he could have, but he always wanted to know what was going on. How were things. What did I think about this or that. He let me ramble without making me feel stupid. I loved that about him.

5. Smile. Ken’s smile was the best. It was always there. It spoke volumes. In his casket there was no smile. I know that’s not him but I wondered if somehow they could have made it possible. The good news is there were plenty of picture around the room. All smiles. He could say I love you with a smile. He always did.

6. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. He knew that my name, others names, all his grandkids names, the names of his customers were important. Was he the best at remembering names. Probably not. But he tried. He knew it was important.

7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. When we used to get together I would ramble on and on. He would listen patiently. Then I would ask him about his life and he would demur a bit. I had to beat it out of him. Oh there were things but he didn’t feel like it was right to “burden” me with it.

8. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. We shared Church stuff. But in addition he knew that plants were my passion. So he often would ask my advice on thus or so. Not that he actually needed it but he made me feel like I counted. I didn’t care if he took my advice, the fact that we talked in my language made me feel like I mattered.

9. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. Ken always made me feel important, even superior. One time he asked me to come talk to his Sunday school class. Bring tree branches. Teach on the number of apples in a seed. (billions). He didn’t do it with any reason other than he made me feel important. He asked me to go golfing once. I loved it. I’ll miss that.

10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. He could argue. He had opinions. But Ken didn’t go out of his way to push them on me. If he wanted to work me over he could have. We did disagree but never with any vitriol.

11. Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “you’re wrong.” He sometimes told me I was wrong without saying I was wrong. Ken was an expert at expressing a contrary opinion without being contrary.

12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. Sometimes he was out of line. He was quick to say. OOOPS. I was ready and willing to forgive and forget. We had too much invested and too much trust not to.

13. Begin in a friendly way. When Ken was trying to change my mind he always started with a chuckle. So disarming and so ready to be loving as he delivered what information I was about to get. A little sugar makes the medicine go down.

14. Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately. He would always help me come to a right position by getting me to understand his. But he did it by establishing grounds for agreement. I can be crusty. He broke thru the crust.

15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. I am ashamed of how I dominated the conversation in our relationship. He would sit quietly and let me ramble till I hung myself. Clever that Ken.

16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. When he wanted to give me guidance he would lead me to the place where I could come up with the idea myself. Sort of shine the light of truth on it long enough till I see it. I could trust him.

17. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. We did go to “Blows” sometimes. But now without his trying hard to understand my viewpoint. I don’t think he always accepted it, but he tried to see how I might think that way.

18. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. He tried to walk in my shoes without being critical. But he never lost his objectivity. He was in tune but not always in agreement and I came to understand the difference.

19. Appeal to the nobler motives. He sometimes would appeal to my deep experience, or my Christian ideals (without saying, you call yourself a Christian?). He would talk in terms of keeping my focus or bearing during conflict and crisis. Ken walked with me during some of the darkest times of my life.

20. Dramatize your ideas. He would sometimes make comments or demonstrate things with actions. He at one time was in a clown ministry. He had traveled several times to the Philippines on missions trips. From this he learned to preach by acting. He used that drama in personal relationships too.

21. Throw down a challenge. I believe if you put your mind to it you will come out on top. He said that to me when I was at the bottom. What’s that worth? He believed in me. He believed in the God we both believe in.

22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation. When he had a hard word to say to me he would always give me some love first. I appreciated that.

23. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. He seldom said, YOU DID THIS. I would because he would beat around an obvious bush till I got it. No offense correction.

24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. I can hear Ken say, “Lord knows I’ve made some stupid boo boos”. What came next might have beeen mine, but they were framed in our mutual humanity.

25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Sometimes he had to deal with people in his business. I know it was hard. It would have been easy to just say, do it this way. But he would cajole. I admired that.

26. Let the other person save face. Ken knew things about me that he could have rubbed my face in often. He never did. He let it alone. He didn’t bring up the past. He could have. I’m thankful he was forgetful. Maybe he wasn’t so forgetful but I’m thankful none the less.

27. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” When he saw me doing something right, he would give me a hearty hug and a loud attaboy. I loved that. Even if it was little and insignificant, it counted.

28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. He made me seem like I was so high class that I could never do what I thought I did. I loved to live up to that idea. I failed sometimes. But he didn’t rub my nose in it.

29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. I remember once when I was talking about a personal problem I was having that seemed to be a show stopper for me he talked in terms of it not being a big deal and that I should have no problem dealing with it. Maybe he was right. It did seem easier because of his encouragement.

30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. Sometimes when I knew what he expected of me I would think, I don’t want to do this. But with some persistence he would lead me to the place where I could buy into the idea. Even be happy about it.

That’s how Ken was as a friend. How he was as a husband, a father and a minister. Hard to say goodbye. What is certain is this. He didn’t have any expectations of me. He was an unconditional agape friend. He made sure we had nothing between us. If I ever disappointed him I didn’t know. It’s hard not to love a person like that.

There’s one more thing. He lived by the golden rule X 10. If he were here right now he would give you and me this advice.

1. Fill your mind with thoughts of peace, courage, health and hope. There’s too much pain in the world as it is. Find peace. Have courage. Live in Hope and I would say faith. And health will follow.

2. Never try to get even with your enemies. He had people who did him wrong. Cheated him. Damaged him. He knew the proverb, if you go to dig a grave for your enemy, dig two.

3. Expect ingratitude. Ken knew that most good deeds are punished with ingratitude or indifference. He was never surprised by it. He was always willing to forgive. He didn’t carry a grudge. He just went on. Sometimes when people weren’t thankful to him for all the good things he ever did he smiled and lumped it without it causing an ulcer. I had a problem with one of his service men once. He made it right. I thanked him, I paid him, but not enough.

4. Count your blessings – not your troubles. Ken had lots of troubles. Lots. He never spent much time talking or thinking about them. He concentrated instead on the goodness of God in his life. I want to live like that. I sit and brood on my trouble far too much. Lead on Ken.

5. Do not imitate others. Ken knew who he was. He didn’t try to be anything else. He just tried to be the very best Ken he could be. He didn’t repent of his DNA, the way God made him. He knew his strengths and his weaknesses. He didn’t try to be someone he wasn’t. I’m glad.

6. Try to profit from your losses. Ken had loss. He always made the best and tried to come out ahead. He didn’t brood over the loss. Not loss thru death, not loss thru broken relationships, not loss thru finance or opportunity. No loss was a death loss. Even death is his gain, it’s just our loss.

7. Create happiness for others. Ice Cream. Ken loved ice cream and made sure we all got some. He was a children’s clown for Jesus. He was Captain Ken of the Circus for the kids crusades. He would do anything to bring a smile to others.

That’s what a friend really is. Giving without expectation of receiving. Keeping no account of the relationship. Valuing every person in the relationship without evaluation. Keeping no account of wrongs.

This is all Biblical. This is also all drawn from the years I spent with Ken and the years I learned from Loehle Gast in Dale Carnegie. They are both gone now. I miss them already.

But, the day is coming. We are all in OUR last days. Every time I pray with my wife I say these words, “Thank you Jesus for the time we have together, bless it”. I know Marge will not hear that again on this side of the veil from Ken.

Treasure this moment, it may not come again.