The Party of Luther

Of course, in politics all would be solved is we all just joined the Lutheran Party, particularly the scandahoovian branch. I stole this:

THE LUTHERAN PARTY
by Eric Iverson

Two weeks ago I was idly browsing the personals, when I saw an ad for a Lutheran Party. Now I don't normally respond to these things, but I couldn't help noticing that I not only happened to be Lutheran, but was also a great lover of parties. It seemed like the perfect match, and so I wrote the following letter:

Dear People,
I was heartened and a bit surprised to see your ad for the Lutheran Party, as I was not aware that such a party existed. I am currently a Democrat, but after this latest election I guess I'm willing to try just about anything. To show my devotion to your cause I have drafted the following:

A POLITICAL PLATFORM FOR THE LUTHERAN PARTY

In many ways a political platform for the Lutheran Party goes against our grain. What with our motto "Anything worth changing is probably just as worth keeping the same" and all, a piece of paper with a bunch of big ideas on it just isn't the way we do things. In fact, under a Lutheran Administration, about the only thing that might change is that we might get to that fence out back that needs a coat or two of paint (that is if we can decide on a color). Nevertheless, here are a few things we as the Lutheran Party could maybe think about doing.

PAN-SCANDINAVIANISM

Under a Lutheran Administration, all US residents would be declared legally Scandinavian (or at least slightly Germanic on their mother's side). To signify this, residents would in addition take on a new Scandinavian name. In cases where the resident refuses to do this, an auxiliary pseudo-Scandinavianization will take place. This is a simple process wherein one or more "j's" will be inserted in unlikely locations in the person's first name, while a "son" or "stad" will be appended to the persons last name. For example, the following are good Scandinavian names:

Kjerstin Rustad (GENE HERE, I actually had a Kirsten Rustad in Sunday School class as a 6th grader in the Lutheran Church long long ago)
Hjalmar Andbjornson
Gjertrude Aslakson

while below we see the fruits of pseudo-Scandinavianization:

BEFORE AFTER

Miguel Hernandez Mjigjuel Hernandezson
Gina Cabrini Gjina Cabrinistad
Malcolm X Mjalcolm Xstad
Prince Pjrinceson

Mind you this process can be dangerous in the hands of improperly trained personnel, so watch out:

John Jones Jjohjjkjjn Hjkjonestadson
ABBA AAAABBABBABBB
Paul Hanson Isadora Lutz

BIG GOVERNMENT

Unlike its alphabetical predecessor, the Libertarian Party, the Lutheran Party does not favor a radical reduction in the size of the Federal Government. (Well I suppose you could reduce the size a little, but only if it's not too much trouble.) Instead, the Lutheran Party advocates increasing the size of the Federally Governed. This can be accomplished through a national diet filled with white sauce, granulated sugar, butter and of course hot dish. After all "yew can't have a big strong government if yew aren't big and strong yerself."

CURRENCY REGULATIONS

In order to pay back the federal deficit, new sources of funding must be found. One way is to restructure the US currency system in a manner more in keeping with the traditional pioneer values that made this country great. In this spirit, the Lutheran Party recommends that the new value of the US dollar be based on that of sod. This would not only immortalize the numerous sod homes that once dotted the Prairie, but would also act as an incentive for people to keep their lawns properly cared for so as to protect their investment. We also propose that new coins bearing the likenesses of long dead Danish and Norwegian Kings actually be made of sod; as the sod's natural mottled green color would most likely better represent these Kings' natural appearance.

THE ENVIRONMENT

One of the Lutheran Party's prime environmental goals is to inform the country that Lutefisk is actually not a toxic waste, and can in fact be eaten. In order to do this, we propose creating a new character: LeRoy the Lutefisk who will resemble a talking cod soaked in lye (actually a cartoon cod soaked in cartoon lye) and will say things like "Give a hoot, eat yer Lute" or "Der's no risk in Lutefisk". If this doesn't work, our new president will begin making speeches at Rotary Club gatherings about how Lutefisk tastes even better than sod. (See Currency Regulations.)

DEFENSE

"I tot I tode yew I'd paint de fense in da spring! Can't yew see it's still vinter?"

In common word and sacrament,