I'm easily amused

From actual church bulletins:

• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at St. Martin’s Church. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance.
• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight “Searching for Jesus.”
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
• Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
• Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Father Jack’s sermons.
• The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth Into Joy.”
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evenin g service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• The Priest unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!