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I Bring the Gift of Me

A Holiday Message from the Burge-Goldstein Presidential Campaign

By David Burge

The holidays are a special time for all Americans. It is a time when we gather together with friends and neighbors to celebrate and share the festive spirit of the season. Some of us celebrate Christmas, some Kwanzaa or Eid; others, like my running mate Jeff Goldstein, Hannukah. In my family we gather around the p'canclhu, and re-enact the transmogrification of Loumbogu, the hundred-headed goat-thing of Su'yocra Tantchohg.

But no matter what traditions we follow, this is a time to look back on the many blessings we share as Americans. Like you, I am grateful for our freedoms and opportunities and material abundance. Above all, as a candidate for President of the United States, I am especially grateful for the opponents that our political process has provided me. Let's pour a glass of eggnog and gather by the fire for a review, shall we?

	Old CW	New CW	New New CW
Hillary Clinton	Unstoppable ice queen riding atop sedan chair to inevitable victory	Panic on the Titanic; staff eunuchs now flinging poo from the deck	YouTube and 50 cc's of Botox, stat!
Barack Obama	Audacious icon of hope with 100-watt smile	Hopefully audacious Oprah studio giveaway	Stedman Graham, without the gravitas
John Edwards	Silky-smooth progressive Southern lawyer	Metrosexual millionaire ambulance chaser	Love child? Huh.. I assumed he was gay
Chris Dodd, Joe Biden, Bill Richardson	Seasoned establishment DC solons	Clueless windbags good for filling dead air at debates	These people were actually elected to something?
Dennis Kucinich	Pixiesque voice of authentic antiwar liberalism	Roswell escapee	Santa Claus conquers the Martians
Mitt Romney	Handsome, can-do moderate MassGov	Reverend Huck's personal pulpit chew toy	Hugh still believes!
Mike Huckabee	Likeable governor with repertoire of tasty bass licks	The GOP Jimmy Carter	The GOP Marshall Applewhite
Rudy Giuliani	Gutsy centrist Churchill of 9-11	9-11. 9-11! Umm...9-11?	Anybody? Hello?
Fred Thompson	The Barry White of Conservative Alpha Males	Campaigning? Alpha Males don't play that	Screw this, I got a Fall NBC series in development
John McCain	Maverick centrist war hero with Tim Russert on speed dial	Hundreds of media friends stumped by lack of traction	Enjoy your gold watch with our deepest esteem
Ron Paul	Cranky libertarian iconoclast	Unifying conscience of the insane left and insane right	Mein fuhrer!

See what I mean?

But, as a candidate to be the President of all Americans, I also realize my list of scary, floundering, inept blessings are not equally shared by all. That's why I would like to present a special gift to you: the gift of me, candidate Dave. Sure, you're saying, "I could find a better president than you by randomly picking through the phone book." Maybe, but there's also an outside chance that the name you randomly pick out of the phone book might be one of the names above, and is that really a risk you're willing to take?

Oh, I realize I might not seem like much of a gift at this point, like those 3-packs of tube socks and fruitcakes you'll be throwing in the Christmas garbage next week. But when you get inside that voting booth next year and read the slate of alternatives, you'll be grateful you packed me away in the closet for an emergency write-in.

And next December, when you turn on the TV and see my U-Haul pulling up to the White House, and the panic starts setting in again, just come back to this post and consider what might have been.

Happy Holidays!

December 21, 2007 | Permalink